Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day

How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

I found a set of keys everyone was looking for in the pub so i’m a magpie now apparently if anyone’s lost any shiny shit

Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late

Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever

Answering: How are you?

“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return

“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions

“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀

Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me

Riddler: what’s your secret identity

Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot

Riddler:

Batman: you absolute fool

When you said “let’s circle back to that in the new year” and now it’s the new year.

It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display

All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.

I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am

My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.

Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person

your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too

I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.

Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.

[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music

The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat

If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.

ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please

You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.

“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh

A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs

Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!

Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*

Husband: Are you ok?

Me: Yes.

*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*

Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it

didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?

“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops