Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?

Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.

Cop: Again, license and registration please

A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.

stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay

when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom

My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

To err is human… To not know what err means is American.

I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks

Today is the day I write something beautifully profound

No. That was it. I’m going back to bed

me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]

how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”

I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink

Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”

I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.

I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000

spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores

In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.

I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”

my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:

· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750

me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.

The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭

HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.

– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell

I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.

I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now

~ toddlers

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.

Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.

Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?

Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste

Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?

There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.

My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.