Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
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If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest
When I was a kid, I literally thought “This little pig went to market” meant it went shopping.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not