[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
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i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Cinematography is my passion
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.