[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
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If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
is it just me or are we all a little bit disappointed whenever they lift a tsunami warning
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
