Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
You Might Also Like
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
They’re the worst 😩
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.