Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
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when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome