Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
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This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
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I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
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My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?
me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying