Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
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ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
They also CAN sing✌️
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda