Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Breaking up]

It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.

ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!

FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.

ME: It really is.

If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.

“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police

{the invention of maple syrup}

So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?

I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations

i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.

I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off

mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels

amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*

[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do that

her: be a chef?

me: be manipulated by an animal

one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up

“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”

“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”

[from outside]

“…hakuna banana.”

You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.

The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners

How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?

keep reaching for the stars, kid:

Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.

Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.

All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.

Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.

I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.

*takes an exam in a coffin*

*passes*

Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.

If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.

Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.

Cop: Stop playing the race card.

Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.

i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”

The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.

[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]

This is bullshit.