Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.

Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar

Me too kid, me too

[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]

[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?

me: this meeting couldve been an email

me when I get an email: I’m not reading that

I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping

My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.

“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live

If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.

Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?

Me: I saw the sign

F: …

Me: And it opened up my eyes

F: Oh no.

Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN

just rewatched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it has NOT AGED WELL. First off, murdering people with a chainsaw is literally illegal,

People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.

Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.

WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:

•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.

to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn

My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁

Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.

I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.

Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?

Me: Yes.

Son: But you didn’t smell me.

Me: Yes.

Do not go gentle into that good night,

[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up

Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.

If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.

I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet

science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes

kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?

Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this

Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords

Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!

judas: actually know what, I’m good now

leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles