Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
You Might Also Like
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Person: I really DO want your honest advice
Me: NO you don’t
P: I DO
Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out
P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?
WHY would you be happy about this?
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.