Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
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Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked
Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order
Me: And I have some ideas
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
I’ve been lied to my entire life
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.