Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?

#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…

Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.

[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news

SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time

I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now

[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]

*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this

astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them

I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]

can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦‍♂️ whatever u say gorgeous

Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.

I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book

[shows her my bedroom]

And this is where the magic happens…

[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]

[reading Harry Potter]

Me: Do you know what’s going on?

3-year-old: He went to lizard school.

I’d correct her, but her version is better.

Me: give me all the brisket you have

Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on

SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??

ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.

SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.

Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.

the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me

MOVING IS AWESOME

I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE

OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL

Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.

wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake

ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab

I never over sleep in the mornings

I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail

a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men

I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture

ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.

DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro

FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed

ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary

Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it