Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
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The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours?
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.