Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.

Me – I can’t find the sea salt.

Wife – It’s next to the paprika.

Me – No it isn’t.

(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)

I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.

Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”

…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.

First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count

*names my little horse OneTrick*

COP: License and registration please

ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs

sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”

Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.

me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally

Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes

Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!

Put on my glasses….

Damn it!

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.

Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!

You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…

Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.

*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…

My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”

Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…

Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play

I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around

Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.

after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger

i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did

Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.

[at wife’s funeral]

Son: At least shes in heaven now

Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom

{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall

How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?

If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.

When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”

It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.