Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
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Do you want to taunt a snowman?
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
I don’t get marriage
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.