Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.

I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.

Him: I’d take a bullet for you

Me: I’ll allow it.

Captain’s Log:

Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.

Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.

“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.

Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.

me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around

child (pukes up Easter candy):

me: ok that’s it!

does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?

*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS

I put my phone in airplane mode.

Worst. Transformer. Ever.

My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.

I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse

Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…

Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”

My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.

“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”

Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood

Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number

I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱

Well, shit

Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:

Wife: Who is it?

Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball

Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]

Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.

Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.

Waiter: how does the chicken taste?

Me: WITH ITS TONGUE

*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*

My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”

I pointed to my daughter.

The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.

wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table

me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training

Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.

Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*

Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up

Me: I want beer

Cashier: ok how much

Me:

Cashier:

Me: I want it so so much

Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage

What I say: hold on with two hands

What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none