Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*points to person jogging outside through the snow*

“Look kids, a lunatic”

My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.

Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥

those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat

we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease

I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.

choose your fighter(holiday edition)

For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.

Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.

[spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is McConaughey

McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?

Judge: We have no idea

Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.

If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.

I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously

HER: yes

ME: yeah right

NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!

ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god

My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night

Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk

Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*

If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.

My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.

This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.

[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.

Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.

You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud

The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.

Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.

What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.

Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait

Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.

Just as the prophecy foretold