Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news

CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor

At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still

People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.

I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.

Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.

Me: god you’re sexy

Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women

Me (sultry whisper): not my mom

How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.

[texting]

Me: I’m over IT.

Friend: Over what?

Me: You know…IT.

Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.

Me: IT as in Information Technology.

Friend: You CAN’T be over that.

[1 week later]

Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.

Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.

Friend: have you ever been to Norway?

Wife: sadly no.

Friend: why not?

Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.

Me: that’s not what I said.

Wife:

Friend:

Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.

If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.

me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing

*unwraps Babybel*

“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities

(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)

Me: omg now what

HR: shirts aren’t optional

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.

*washing car*

Neighbor: “You washing your car?”

Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”

Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.

Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.

My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.

Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…

It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.

Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore

I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.

Why can’t mirrors be nicer

I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.

My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa

Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ＳＵＭＭＯＮ ＤＥＭＯＮＳ

*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it

Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.