Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did

michael scott: that’s what she said

ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea

[100 degree summer day]

me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza

people who love camping: ok, hear me out

Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime

My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.

my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is

me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too

“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies

The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”

….I’ll see myself out….

VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?

ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.

I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.

Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.

After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers

[varnishing an old rocker]

keith richards: what the hell man

“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”

-My 4yo inventing orange soda

How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?

Me looking at your eyebrows

Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi

No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.

I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao

Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok

I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:

1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home

That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!

Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?

(takes off rubber glove)

“You can pull up your pants now.”

I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.

Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.

Morning all.

angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible

god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls

angel: ok first question why

god: wait i’m not finished

You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?

The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣

There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal

Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.