Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?

What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?

Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok

He hands me the remote and goes to bed

And that’s how it’s done

well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high

YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.

Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.

Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.

I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁

When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.

God: You found the Holy Grail!

Me: cool, what does it do?

God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.

Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.

God: you don’t want eternal li-

Me: I said pass.

[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.

Interviewer: do you have any final questions?

Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?

The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.

Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.

Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.

Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.

DOG 911: what’s ur emer-

DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME

DOG 911: can you bite it?

DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie

Genie: *snaps fingers*

Me: …what changed?

Genie: your mom was shot in the woods

My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.

We go on tour in the fall.

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs

[Block Party]

Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.

Host: Just toss them on the fire.

[Later]

Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?

Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!

Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question

Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.

A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.

Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.

We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.

This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.

I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*

me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin

Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads

me: I’d like to work from home

hr: request deni—

m: but it’s government advice

hr: it’s simply imposs—

m: and these are dangerous times

hr: but you’re a train driver?