Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
