Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.(Not mine, but very lovely)
Ken is short for chicken
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
“what’s your ideal vacation?”
dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.
Boss: How was vacation?
Me: Better than this.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
