Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
