Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*

Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.

everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week

My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”

straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!

also straight people:

Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE

I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.

me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*

Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?

The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude

My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?

I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet

If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.

“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”

Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”

Many many moons ago:

Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year

Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”

god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation

lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly

god: lol ok

I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.

Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.

Oh.
You have a boyfriend

But…
can he do this…

( flexes flab )

Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.

[first day as a barista]

ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole

NICHOLE: oh come on

We all have our pet causes.

Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.

In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.

Another case where fake ones have a leg up.

“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”

If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?

When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”

She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.

just pretend nothing happened

Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive