Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
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My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.