Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
You Might Also Like
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST
4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
I bet the wise man who gave the gold had some regrets when he realized he could have just brought some incense
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.