Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
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I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
describing stardew valley
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber