Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.

*holding flashlight to face*

And then I pressed……update all.

*children screaming*

“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.

My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”

Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.

Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.

Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.

My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.

It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.

Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.

Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?

Wife: Orchids?

Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?

Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow

My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.

[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal

[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]

“What are you supposed to be?”

ME: I’m not wearing a costume

Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.

“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.

What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.

Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time

Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.

[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”

God: you’re a zebra.

Zebra: nice!

God: you have black stripes.

Zebra: like a tiger?

God: yes exactly!

Zebra: so we’re the same!

God: no.

Zebra: why not?

God: you eat grass instead of meat.

Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!

Me: I won’t let anything control me!

My bladder: Lmao

NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down

Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.

Her: My computer is running so slow!

Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?

Her:

Me: Is it less than 500?

Her: Never mind.

6: I’m hungry

Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now

6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?

Husband: Oh no

PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.

The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.