Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.

life coach: be the best version of yourself

me: I am

life coach: hahaha wait are you serious

I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”

if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl

if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month

Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.

My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.

The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.

What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.

“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met

FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.

Looking at you, Jesus.

Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white panties

Me: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…

Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them

My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno

Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.

me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings

pumpkin patch employee: ok

99 bottles of beer on the wall?

Challenge accepted

My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.

I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”

Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.

Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS

“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”

“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe

tfw you realize …

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.

I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me

I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.

The right person will know this subtweet is about them.

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life