me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
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The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.