Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go

[doctor hooking wires to my chest]

ME: What are you doing?

DOC: Echocardiogram

ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test

Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”

How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”

“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo

Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking

Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.

I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.

Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?

Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.

The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.

it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”

{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?

I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.

Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?

2019: “How you like me now?”

Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.

I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”

My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.

texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”

When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.

If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit

Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab

I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.

Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.

FRIEND: do you drive stick?

ME: no I drive car.

Me: one admission please

Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home

“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.

I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.

Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.