Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s

[takes tylenol and goes about the day]

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s

[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim

I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.

Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.

I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.

I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.

*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*

I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.

I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭

aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.

Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor

Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer

me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do

barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!

me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.

Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes

Me: All vans are moving vans LOL

Her: And this is why we’re leaving

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.

Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?

Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-

[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER

ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs

Bodyguard Idea:

Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.

my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.

For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.

The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer

WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.

“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.

her: I like my men strong

me: *lifts-*

her: but sensitive

me: *-a puppy*

If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??

I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”

taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out

I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.

Day 1 of being kidnapped.

Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.

Husband is asking for more money.