Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)

Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL

Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.

Card reader: this is not looking good

Me: mf’er, reshuffle it

Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza

Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?

4: I was hungry

Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?

4: because there was pizza

iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16

we did it you guys we saved daylight

[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!

Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.

Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.

CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*

ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!

CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?

ME: *Considers* … come in.

If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.

“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.

Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.

*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*

*Coats body in coffee grains

*Waits for osmosis to occur

Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing

the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce

Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.

How my 7 year old plays board games:

Rolls a 6.

Counts to 6.

Moves his piece wherever he wants.

My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.

[arriving in hell]

me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever

satan: where did you even find denim underwear

If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.

I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one

He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’

I like to finish other people’s sentences because

my version is better.

The chart results are in…

Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread

Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie