Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher

*presses start and turns around*

Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this

“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?

If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,

OH GOD WHY?!?

Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.

I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.

I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed

I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”

I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited

I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo

That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers

A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.

Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.

[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow

The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”

Maybe I eat too much pizza …

If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run

Armadillo: Go on without me

Snake: no just-

Armadillo: @

Snake: Wait where the hell are you

Armadillo: @

I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.

Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?

Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.

I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now

Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.

For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.

Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches

When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.

Did I spell something wrong?

“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”

Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf

I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away

My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.

#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?

Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow

Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait