Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home

それは草

According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.

English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language

Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”

Me: I think you’re sweet…

Her: …Awwww…

Me: …and will eventually kill me.

Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”

Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.

Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.

Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.

Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost

While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off

ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]

DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!

[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong

I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby

I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.

Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.

But science tells us otherwise.

#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”

[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath

Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.

Black Friday “markdowns” like

ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed

COLLEAGUE: It’s not working

ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working

💀

My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house

I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.

Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!

Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?

Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.

I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters

Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.

1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life

DATE: how do you know that

*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET

If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.

What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)

Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.

My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—