Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.

girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week

If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.

I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.

*sees monster truck

*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork

It’s actually kind of funny that people pay any attention to beauty/skin/diet/fitness influencers who are in their 20’s. Like “what’s your secret??” Being 22. That’s their secret. If the kale salad exfoliation regimen still works after menopause THEN they might be on to something

Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….

And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.

I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.

[inside a tornado]

Dad: wind’s really pickin up

*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*

this bar is not in space

Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.

Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.

#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.

Customs officer: Occupation?

German: Nein, just visiting.

I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.

the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.

[getting arrested after heist]

Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout

Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this

Child: I’m bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Child: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Child: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Child: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Child: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”

Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”

Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things

I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.

Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse

Me: how so?

Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt

Me: ok you win

Me: somebody stole my stapler

HR: you’re working from home

Rich people don’t understand cereal

PLOT TWIST:

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.

My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.

him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction

me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go

Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.

{at the dentist}

Hygienist: Let’s just have a look

Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.

Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.