Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
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The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.