Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
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I have said this before, but it’s weird when you realize that what you thought was rock bottom was actually somewhere around rock middle
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Some guy in the middle of my Nosferatu screening took out his phone and googled ‘Nosferatu’
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
I can’t wait til I have hearing aids, so I can just turn them off when I’m tired of hearing everyone.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
January is lasting longer than my marriage
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
me: dating is hard
me on a date: like what if godzilla was an atheist and we just named him that
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.