Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
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[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
they really do be looking like this
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
my proudest tweet
