Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
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dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
just make the entire table out of coaster
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
I am having an out of money experience.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade