Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?

Her:

Me:

Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.

This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.

My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.

If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.

[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”

Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”

[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer

Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog

God please let it be a hotdog

Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon

art teacher: is that a bird or a plane

young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*

“We just want to find someone who will-”

*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?

“Exactly.”

-death row inmates

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.

He also looks really rough for a 4 year old

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.

Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.

[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]

Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!

Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.

“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”

Me: Um, brooding real hard.

ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you

Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.

lol

I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.

So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?

“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”

You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.

The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…

Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*

Also me: *I gotta pee*

hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.

“Can I be honest with you?”

“Yes.”

“You don’t know me at all do you?”