Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
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whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Hungry me has no respect for bathroom scale me.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Dishonest mechanic?
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
#catsoftwitter
