Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How does a farmer find new cows to buy?

He looks through the cattlelog.

I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.

Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?

*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.

Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.

#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women

Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.

Me: This escape room sucks

My boss: This is a budget meeting…

Friday night plans

*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac

Me: how about we role-play?

Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.

i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.

i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.

Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.

Me: Jack.

Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.

Me: Jack

guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!

My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes

Until I got drunk, and put them on

FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom

First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos

Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.

[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.

My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk

Me: what about

I stopped my pig from eating a penny.

I don’t know why.

I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.

Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!

Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?

7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.

Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.

that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom

when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story

Fun Fact

The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!

[Therapist appt.]

Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.

*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”

Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries

Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?

3yo: No.

Hubs: Is that a new one?

3yo: Yes.

Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?

3yo: …Yes.

[1st day as a detective]

me: a vampire did it

partner: sorry?

me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire

partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-

me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants