Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though

food blogger:

How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻‍♀️

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.

Walgreens guy: You still need to leave

Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters

Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s

*being broken up with*

Me: I thought we were on the same page!

Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.

Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.

*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges

I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.

Wife – remember to compliment the host

[later]

Me – your wife is hot

once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3

GF: What’s my biggest flaw?

ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you

GF: No come on, I mean pacifically

ME: We should split up

[God making water]

“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what

[crime scene]

*detective snaps pics of murder victim*

Corpse: delete it

3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?

Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.

“oh dude you’re gonna want to see this” i yell to my dog from the other room upon seeing 2 squirrels on a fence

I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.

why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead

Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war

Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right

Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being

i wonder if americans realize just how much more insulting the phrase “room temperature IQ” is to those who use the metric system

Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”

Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.

Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants

Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.

Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!

Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.

*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*

Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.

The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.

“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.

I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.

Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.

I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.