Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.

Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off

the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing

Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.

my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.

I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”

With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse

placebo pills? more like sike meds

My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?

We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits

Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.

Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?

Me: (exists)

Wasp: I have opinions about that

Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.

My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.

*first day working the gas pumps*

Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’

If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.

She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome

You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.

*baby starts crying*

Easy enough.

*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.

To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.

[talking to my son]

Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name

dream jobs:

• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village

Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off

I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit

therapist: and how do we react to conflict?

me: with sarcasm?

therapist: try again

me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM

therapist: much better

“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”

Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.