Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
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5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
found this cool rock hiking today
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Very problematic
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds