Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks š
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
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Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didnāt press charges.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
I donāt normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
When youāre married, itās important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it canāt escape.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell āInsubordinateāME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I donātā¦ where do we go from here?
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Forget what youāre wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghostās head for eternity
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kidsā hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.