Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.

why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with

First date Idea.

We tag team wrestle another couple.

i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??

“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.

… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”

Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.

Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.

Thoughts

I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.

rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.

a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that

It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.

Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…

[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?

My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.

Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.

My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…

I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”

I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂

My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.

Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.

Waiter: May I take your order?

Yes, roll over and play dead!

Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.

Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.

self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.

You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey

Tried to steal some candy from a baby.

I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me

They lied about how easy that was.

Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.

wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]

My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.

A tragic love story in two pictures.

I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.

Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦‍♂️🤷‍♂️

My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.