Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
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We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
I created you as mosquito food.
I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”