Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.

Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.

Wife: Get birthday wrapping paper and bows at the store.
Me: What kind of bows?
Wife: Birthday bows.
Me: We have a bag of bows here.
Wife: Those are Christmas bows. I need birthday bows.
Me: Technically, Christmas is a birthday.
Wife [rubbing temples]: Just..just do what I ask.

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

[pulled over]

Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it

Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up

son: school just got canceled

me: oh shit what did it do

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.

Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot

[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help

“so she’s gay now?”

yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden

I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.

I kept not finding it. She got angrier.

I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”

Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”

😑

I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.

An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces

If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.

I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.

me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete

dracula: vie

me: for a crossword puzzle

My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.

Me: Ugh…where am I?

Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.

M: WHO’S THERE??

*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*

DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.

M: HEEEELP

D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN

Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.

[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”

The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.

Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35

Every work meeting this week

It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years

Husband: Let’s role play.

Me: Okay.

H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.

Me: I quit.

If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.

Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us

Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*