Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
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It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!
can of beans: never!
(whirring noises)
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.