Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
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Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”
Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.