Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
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*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow