Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
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Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
seems like a niche market
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Spell check is for lasers.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?