Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.

People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻‍♀️ 🍩

{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.

If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.

[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”

love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster

5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: *takes deep breath*

They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.

ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury

And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.

Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?

Wife: Yes

Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards

Wife:

Me: *crying* I get it now, babe

I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions

And send

[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse

If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food

Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.

Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”

I don’t know either, kid

I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store

That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.

Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”

Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.

Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.

It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.

[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction

“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”

Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.

Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.

[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi

ME: can i start digging?

SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing

[waits an hour]

ME: how about now?

SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology

If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!

I hate when people can’t let go of the past.

Debt collectors are the worst.