Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
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embroidery proof arrived and as expected, it does not make my wife laugh
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.