Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 馃槏
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
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Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Mothers just don鈥檛 eat their young like they used to.
Even though it means he鈥檚 a serial killer, it鈥檚 nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
Traffic stop
Cop: there鈥檚 a dead body in the back seat of your car
Me: it was like that when I bought it
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I鈥檓 so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
What if all the cashiers are married?
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren鈥檛 supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving鈥 don鈥檛 want you getting pregnant.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
It鈥檚 always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?