Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
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Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: [bad at math] what
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
This headline is a thing of beauty
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money