Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance

My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.

Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….

Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’

Them: what book would you take to a deserted island?
Me: idk, “the idiots guide to survival”

*at the pot store*

Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin

Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?

Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho

I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.

Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation

Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]

INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?

ME [clever] no

My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”

It’s ok that I have not found my soulmate yet. Half of the married people here have not either

[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”

-What is goingon?

“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”

I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter

*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday

Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.

6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?

Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.

what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait

Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.

When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”

Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.

I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.

A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.

Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food

love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.

I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.

I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.

Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.

Me: pick your poison….

Him: a margarita would be nice…

Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad

That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down

How do you tell the gender of an ant?

Put it in water.

If it sinks, girl ant.

If it floats…