Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
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Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Broom by every window for quick escape.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree