Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
You Might Also Like
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary