Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.

ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.

My type is 12 pt Helvetica.

“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”

Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.

[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]

“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say

[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]

To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.

Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.

Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?

Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”

Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.

What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue

I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them

Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*

The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time

Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message

10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds

all my demons came for free. these must be organic.

Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.

Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*

Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*

If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face

You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities

Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts

when you miss your boat so you have to take the train

[eating chicken]

farmer: YOU AGAIN

my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all

Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.

I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise

I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.

I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.