Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now

Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns

* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *

I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.

what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.

Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.

The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.

I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible

Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.

“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume

It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work

My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door

[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”

You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.

Tomato, Tomahto

Get in the van.

Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …

*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now

When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”

This is bullshit!

I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.

Important question of the day:

Are centaurs technically insects?

They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…

Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.

Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.

day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me

M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work

I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.

I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing

Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.

Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”

Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”

When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.

I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.

Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.

Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.