Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
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me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
you come to me? on a friday at 4pm
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then