you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
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It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Ken is short for chicken
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.