Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
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Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
I need a headline like this
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together