Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot

using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…

How to get a girl to like you:

1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?

Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?

Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.

People on Twitter: Hold my beer.

greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital

Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”

Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”

Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.

don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”

Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST

My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!

all that yoga finally paid off

Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses

I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.

Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”

I live alone.

The dryer is my closet.

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out

HELP 😭

Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.

Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.

The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest

The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,

A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.

When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells

I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late

Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
follow me for more tips

I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.