Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
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Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
congratulations to them
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Steam Forums
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?