Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
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I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on