Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???

Super Hand Dog Face

See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple

I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.

Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.

Boss: You gonna get any work done today?

Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.

B: Who won?

M: Jack Daniels

Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.

[ninja warrior]

HOST: First up we have… Oh-

ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]

You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.

My dad just asked me, “if two vegans fight is it still called “a beef?”

Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.

[first day as a sports announcer]

*clears throat*

*taps mic twice*

Me: sprots

{emceeing banquet}

Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*

i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form

I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.

Teacher: define “impossible”

Me: no can do

Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?

Me: doubt it

Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?

Me: I have no idea

Teacher: amazing

[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.

If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.

DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S

9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?

Me: Go to your room.

Paint me like one of your French girls….

With a big fat croissant in my mouth

Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide

Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”

*Coats body in coffee grains

*Waits for osmosis to occur

*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!

For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved

[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house

Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)

*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*