Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
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HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
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White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
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3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..