Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
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Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Hear me out: WrestleVania
Spa day..😅
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
as the prophecy foretold
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”