Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling

Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry

A Pringles Tube but for Donuts

being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck

I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.

Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.

Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.

Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.

Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!

Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka

Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”

Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there

We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.

Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit

No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.

My New Year’s resolutions:

1. Stop making lists.

B. Be more consistent.

7. Learn to count.

surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now

olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here

Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.

I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!

Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.

Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.

My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it

Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots

Diet day 1

I have removed all the bad food from the house.

It was delicious.

the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.

My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion

Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide

Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.

stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen

I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con

My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time

Police: How are you feeling?

Me: I’m fine.

*polygraph explodes*

*opening a bag of chips*

Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library

Me: It’s my emotional support snack

How can we make people tell the truth?

“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”