Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.

“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said

“Engage with the wider community”, they said

“You have the right to remain silent”, they said

My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.

when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good

“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.

Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day

Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash

I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.

Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.

[petting a cat]

Owner: He’s my little fur baby

Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy

If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.

Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.

Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”

I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.

Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.

ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon

Me: love it

ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon

Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes

ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon

Me: that’s an amer-

ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon

Me: goddammit

I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.

ME: truth or dare

PRIEST: just take the communion

As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.

Natural selection at its finest

Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.

“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”

I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.

If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.

I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.

[graduation]

…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*

[crowd cries]

*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”

When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.

“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous

“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children

Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately

Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?

Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this

hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?