Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.

I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.

Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.

Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.

Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.

No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.

Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….

sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana

beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars

[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing

What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.

You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.

Me: You’re not like other girls.

3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*

R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P

The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.

Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.

Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*

[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.

Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?

Me [being murdered in my home]:

“Can you take your shoes off?”

My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.

When I have sex with someone I high Five them.

*slaps hands together.

FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt

PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something

FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill

me: freedom implies the existence of freesub

subway: we said no

I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..

[Before people were invented]

THE EARTH: This is nice

Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.

I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.

Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.

My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.