Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning

Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old

A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.

I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you

I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust

YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:

Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.

[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain

Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.

If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink

Ketchup isn’t food.

-words to ruin a toddlers day

Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.

I got 3 miles in before breakfast.

That’s enough driving for the day

I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”

People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.

People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?

Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.

As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.

And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”

after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.

Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time

For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.

I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.

Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.

me: hello 911

operator: actually you’ve reached 116

me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff

My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!

Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you

Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late

Biden: I gave him the wrong address

Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect

Biden: idgaf what they call him

I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.

When you kidnap a writer.

As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees

merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king

arthur: oh, this sword?

merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?

arthur: table

merlin: what?

arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle